I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting,’13….13….13’The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little hole in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting ’14….14….14’….
The IEM is an on-line futures market where contract payoffs are based on real-world events such as political outcomes, companies’ earnings per share (EPS), and stock price returns. The market is operated by University of Iowa Henry B. Tippie College of Business faculty as an educational and reseach project. Here is the link: – http://www.biz.uiowa.edu/iem/
Sample chapters of my novel can be read on www.amazon.com
A dog is truly a man’s best friend. If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!
The fellow in this video has an amazing ability to solve mathematical multipliers. Check it out here: http://tinyurl.com/2xm5fv
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
“Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?”
“Oh yes, PaPa” the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy shithead anywhere we went today!”
Kinda brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it?
Anyone who wants to know what it was like living through the Great Depression will enjoy reading a book titled, “Once a Hobo.” It is a biography of a man named Monte Holm (1917-2006) who details his struggles during the Great Depression as a Hobo then making a living after falling in love and getting married. Monte died a couple of years ago leaving an estate of many $$$ obtained from a very successful steel business in Moses Lake, Washington.
You can read a nice tribute of his life here: http://www.hobonickels.org/holm.htm
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, it’s the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
The Columbian newspaper (Vancouver, WA) reported on March 2, 2005 that Govenor Gregoire of Washington State was singled out with a positive comment by President Bush at his annual Governor’s Dinner. It caused quite a stir since she won the governor’s race against Republican candidate,Dino Rossi, by only 126 votes. Now here is the fun part.
Rossi spokeswoman, Mary Lane, was quoted as saying, “The president of course is a gentleman, so of course he would say that. The fact is, she is only the governor in the most legalistic and technical of terms.”
The Associated Press reported today that on the U.S. border with Mexico, “U.S. Border Patrol agents arrested 149,238 fewer people from the start of July through November, down 34 percent from the same period last year, according to monthly figures provided Tuesday by U.S. Border Patrol spokesman Mario Martinez.” Do the math and that is still around 57,939 per month AND that is only the ones that got caught. We are being invaded, aren’t we? AP also reports that there are 11,000 Border Agents and 6,000 National Guard troops watching the border.