PARAPROSDOKIAN

PARAPROSDOKIAN (Thanks to Harley for this one)

….A Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter
part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way
that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the
first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic
effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax…

Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather; not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the
list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public

Ø War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then
proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything,
but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the
stairs.

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove
that you don’t need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an
emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. Scroll down for more …….


Ø I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it; so I said “Implants?”

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

 

 

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